Light of day

I haven't been able to sleep all night. No, I don't have some sleeping disorder, I'm not ill (that I know of), I just haven't been able to shut my mind off.
It's not the recession (which hasn't effected me at all), it's not the swine flu (which is being blown WAY out of proportion), it's just thinking about my life in general, and a few things in specific.
I don't know where I fit in, for one. I mean, I've never really "fit in" anywhere, but I'm not sure why that is. However, I was always good at making friends.
For some reason, that one has fallen by the wayside. It seems like, at LEAST since I've moved to Florida, everyone I have made friends with has let me down in some way or another, or has ended up being a completely different person than they presented themselves to be. And it's damn near impossible to meet interesting people here in the first place. Having said that, I apologive to Chad and CC, who do not fit that group at all.
And then there's work. Now, I don't hate my job or anything like that, but I also don't see myself doing it forever. Ok, let's be honest, I don't like working at all, I mean, who really does? But I wouldn't mind finding a job that plays to my strengths and yet is still able to pay the bills. The only places I have truly loved working were volunteer work, and with my student loans, that just doesn't cut it.
Oh, and this working to midnight shit and driving across half the state every day leaves a lot to be desired, too.
And I think the climate itself isn't helping. Everyone keeps saying how they's LOVE to live in Florida and be somewhere where it's warm all the time. Bullshit. It's monotonous. Nothing ever changes, everything is overpriced, and 90% of the people here are shallow, callous, and two-faced. But then again, maybe it's not them. Maybe it's me. Maybe I just expect too much of people.
Why don't I move? Excellent question. Finances. Probably the same story as everyone else on earth, save that lucky top percentage. Now, we all know I could give a shit less about money. It's not important to me, never has been, but I can never seem to make more than enough to just squeak by. And moving is not cheap. Besides, who says anywhere else will be better than here? I mean, I wasn't exactly fond of Nebraska, and it's possibe I am remembering Colorado through rose-tinted memories.
Maybe part of it is that I have been here for seven years, and that's the longest I have ever lived consecutively in one house in my life.
I know sort of where i want my life to go...I just have no idea how to get there.
And before one of you suggests i should go see a psychiatrist...Not gonna happen. Dont need some quack telling me these are normal feelings. Already know that. Doesnt mean i have to like them. All that being said, though...Not depressed. Not happy...Just thinking..and hoping that letting my thoughts see the light of day will help me to find a path.
Anyway, enough of me for today.
Valder Out

on writing

Because I recently sent Krista a copy of the novel, I have been going through and re-reading it myself. Now, Metamorphosis was never meant to be a standalone novel, indeed, it was supposed to be sort of the middle book in the ETF saga, and, as such, starts and ends rather ambiguously. Re-reading it, there are things that flat out annoy me, and things that I would love to go in and set straight. I had started working on a new, edited and expanded, version of that first novel a few years back, and now have it almost to a point that I am happy with it. But it's now almost two books long. That being said, the foundation point that WAS Metamorphosis is hardly recognizable anymore. And I have done a bunch of work on the novel Before and the two after it, as well. Indeed, the ETF saga is inching over 3000 pages of material right now, and the hardest part is getting it into some semblance of cohesive order that someone besides me would want to read. I might need volunteers to take a look through it and tell me what they think with outside eyes. I'm still waiting to see what Krista thinks of Meta before I decide whether or not to shop the next books. Now, I've been told I have writing (and photography) talent, but the reason I want Krista's opinion is that she very much is an outside viewpoint. She didn't grow up with the ETF saga, hearing ideas about it from 1990 on as many people did.
Also, work continues on the Superhero Stanley series, and I've written the seventh installment, but need to grab the time to type it all out.
See, for me, writing is not an easy thing. I can't just throw a switch and write, like I can with my photography. I have to be inspired and I have to be in a certain mood (often insomnia plays a part as well), to be able to write.
Having said that, however, I try and write SOMETHING every week, whether i be poetry, a sketch of a story idea, a blog, a chapter of a book, or a character sketch. The majority of this writing will never see the light of day because it's just spit balling and I'm rather not happy with it. Even on the writing I AM happy with, very little of it is typed out on the laptop, since I am kind of old school that way and love to actually get out a pen and paper and write thing out.
You know, I REALLY need a personal assistant o type everything up for me. I have DOZENS of notebooks full of writing of one form or another. And, if anything, that might be an under-estimation.
Anybody want that job??
Anyway, i know it doesn't seem to be coherent or anything, but it's my thoughts and updates on my writing lately.

well, Damn

I should be sleeping...instead I'm thinking. That sucks. Can't turn my mind off some days.
What am I thinking of, you ask?
Life, Love, All that Jazz
I’ve only ever truly loved three women in my life.
Jamie Vavak, Catrina Granados, and Jill Johnson.
One of them felt the same about me. Obviously, it didn’t work out.
I’ve had a few crushes in my lifetime, of course. Many of the women I had crushes on when I was younger have ended up being some of my closest friends. And before you ask, yes, all of them know I had a crush on them at one point. I’ve told them all, though it took a few years. Though I’m amazed any of them didn’t know. I’m not exactly good with the subtle. Of course, a couple of them had a crush on me, too. THAT floored me because I’m dense when it comes to people liking me. Hell, I don’t always like me.
As for lust…heh. Name a day, I can probably through you for or five people for that day. But there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m single. Or maybe I’m single ‘cause I see nothing wrong with that. Food for thought. And there have been a fair amount who have returned THAT feeling. Till they get to know me. Let’s face it, I’m an AMAZING guy…if you like big brothers or best buddies. Dating material? Heh. Let’s not go there. I’m USED to not going there. It’s ok, I know me here, I’m infamous. ;)
But it's a good thinking...I'm not melancholy about it, but bemused. I know in my heart there's the One out there for me. I've just not met her yet. But recent events have shown me I'm getting closer. And YES, CM, I AM talking about you. But you know that, too. Ok, I really need to hit the sheets, I'm supposed to be up in 3 hours.....

And Here....we....gooo...

April is here.....My busiest month by far. True, the pictures on this page were not taken in April, but the last weekend in March, but April is the month when many of my favorite people on this earth were born, as well as the month when I have something going on almost every weekend.

And it looks like Vegas is on....yeah, can't wait to see Kody, Jenna, and possibly Lacey ad Brianna if they're around!

Oh, and though NONE of the above applies to this...I wanted to wish all of you a Happy April Fools day!!!