We all have to do it (unless you live in Manhattan, Chicago, ect....you know, a city with mass public transit. Or are just afraid to do so. Or, obviously, have a disability).
Many of us do it every day.
But the VAST majority of us walking monkeys in America don't do it very WELL.
Every day I see behavior on the roads that makes me grit my teeth, make up new curse words, and just generally wonder how some people have lived this long.
Darwin. Was. Wrong.
Man changed his laws. Technology has let the weak and useless not only survive, but thrive.
And, sadly, drive.
But that doesn't make them drivers, no sir-ee.
I call them Operators.
The have a license to Operate a Motor Vehicle.
And, unless they truly love cars, operate is all they do. They're happy to be just barely proficient enough to pass the exam and get a car.
And then get on the roads with people who ENJOY driving.......but now hate traffic.
So, here are a few tips gleaned from my nearly twenty years of driving experience.
You're Welcome. ;)
1) Texting and driving: Trust me, you CAN'T do it. I know you THINK you can, but no matter how good you think you are at it, I'm here to tell you, as the guy coming up behind to pass you while you weave drunkenly between lanes, miss stop lights, and never notice people coming up behind you: you can't. Period. It takes two hands to text. Most people have ONLY two hands. WTF are you now controlling the car with?
2) Talking on your phone: Unless you bought a bluetooth, it's sort of the same as #1 above. You have to hold the phone with your hand to talk into it. And that leaves one hand to drive, signal, and shift with (for those that actually still have a REAL transmission). And lets face it, most people on the road don't have the extra attention to spare, trying to split between your conversation and traffic. So, no blue tooth, no talking on your phone.
3) Just leave the freaking phone in the trunk. See 1 and 2 as for why.
4) Ladies. Seriously. DO THE MAKEUP AT HOME. I know you think you're being smart by multi-tasking, but it's REALLY the same as #1. Do EVERYONE on the road a favor and wake up 15 to 30 minutes earlier and do your makeup (and hair....yeah, we've all seen you too) at home. Actually BE ready to go when you leave the house. We will all thank you.
5) This isn't the Fast and The Furious, Bullitt, or Days of Thunder. I'll be the first to admit that I like to go fast. And that I think everyone else is going too slow. But I also know better than to come up on a group of cars at 20mph over the speed limit and zig and zag through traffic, riding bumpers, cutting people off, and generally being an asshole. I drive a truck. You tailgate me in a little Civic and I am already having a bad day, you MIGHT just find out what the word tailgate means. When it comes through your windshield as I test my brakes.
6) Proper following distance. I know, I know. Leave 3 seconds. I know you can all recite it, but....and Floridiots, listen up.....THREE SECONDS IS NOT THREE CENTIMETERS. When you follow that close, not only can I not see you in my rearview any more, but you have zero chance in hell of not hitting me if I need to stop suddenly.
7) Weather. Oh, yes. I'm going there. When it rains........now I want you to hear this.....Slow down a little. A LITTLE. Ok? Not freak out, start driving 20mph UNDER the speed limit (or just 20mph period) with your four-way flashers (or hazard lights, depending where you are from) going and creep along until it stops. Those speed limits they post everywhere? That's the MAXIMUM SAFE SPEED IN ADVERSE CONDITIONS THAT THE ROAD CAN HANDLE. You can still drive right up to and near that speed in the rain, IF your tires still have good tread, you have proper following distance, and you understand how your vehicle (and maybe even you) react differently in the rain. I have driven through hurricanes and tornado seasons, and NEVER had to slow down to an unreasonable crawl. Cars ARE made to be able to be driven in all weather conditions. This isn't NASCAR, after all. For god's sake do NOT stomp your brakes, because you WILL spin and that makes you EVERYONE's problem when you go sideways across the road, ok? Use your fraking wipers and lights. If it's raining, both wipers and headlights need to be on. Period. It's not that hard to figure out. Your 4-Ways should NEVER be on unless your car has broken down. As for snow and ice......well, if it's Black Ice....good luck to you buddy, you're on your own. Normal snow/ice/slush conditions, add an extra two seconds of following distance and follow the same rules for rain. But MOST importantly: If you are uncomfortable driving in rain, snow, slush, or ice: DON'T. When you're scared to drive in these conditions you are hyper-reactive and a danger to yourself and others.
8) Driving scared. If you are afraid to drive your car over 20 miles an hour, not only is the Interstate system not for you, but you REALLY need to look into taking the bus. If you are afraid to drive on the highways, don't. It's REALLY that easy. The more afraid you are of the cars around you, the more likely you are to be involved in an accident. Because you are afraid to drive so have no real idea how to react. STAY HOME.
9) Interstate Etiquette. If you INSIST on driving 10miles or more an hour under the speed limit.....STAY IN THE RIGHT LANE. That is the only lane you should ever be in.
Those comfortable with driving at or above the posted speed limit in dry weather, middle lane. The left lane should always be clear of all traffic, and only used to pass. Once you have passed the slower car (I assume you were in the middle lane), go BACK to the middle lane. Almost every state has this law on the books. It's called the left lane law. Unfortunately, it is only RARELY enforced. You should NEVER. EVER. EVER. BE. IN. THE. LEFT. LANE. if you are doing ANYTHING under the posted speed limit. Because, let's face it, you're now a rolling roadblock, and everyone is annoyed with you.
Pass with Authority. You know if you are faster than the car ahead of you or not. It should NEVER take more than two seconds for you to overtake another vehicle. Six seconds max for the entire pass. Two to pull to the left, two to pass, two to pull back to the right. There is NO REASON ON EARTH you should be side by side with a car in the lane to your right for any length of time. That just blocks up the flow of traffic. ANY MORONS DRIVING THREE OR FOUR ABREAST AT 10-20 UNDER THE LIMIT SHOULD BE SHOT. If we all follow these simple rules, we would NEVER have daily traffic jams, with the exception of accidents, obviously.
10) Rubbernecking. Seriously, why do you slow down to look at an accident? Do you not realize that is the best way to be involved in one yourself? Or to see who a cop has pulled over? It's not you....move along.
11) Stoplights. When they turn yellow, slow down and come to a stop, because they WILL turn red. If you live in Florida, when a light turns red, it does not mean "Lets see how many more cars can make it through the light before the cross traffic hits the intersection." Yellow means slow down, red means stop. Stop signs mean stop too, not barely touch the brake and see if the intersection is clear before blasting through. When the light turns GREEN....drive. There is no reason I should be able to out-accelerate you from the lights on my Trek, when I do, there's a problem. There is no car on earth that takes 2 miles to get to 35-45 miles an hour. Therefore, neither should you. You're just holding up everyone behind you. Refer to #8 above.
12) Spotting Bad drivers. Here are a few hints to help you spot some of the people that are going to make your day longer on the road.
(A) People with political stickers or fish emblems. Invariably, these people will be driving under the speed limit by quite a lot, usually in the left hand lane, oblivious to the fact that everyone is passing them.
(B) low budget or import cars with different colored body panels, bolt-on rear wings, or loud mufflers. These people, usually kids under 20, think they are Paul Walker and that the highway is a video game.
(C) ANYONE with a FL license plate. I don't care if they learned to drive somewhere else and moved to Florida, if they have lived in the state long enough to get a new license plate odds are they forgot how to drive. There are a few exceptions, but aren't there always?
Of course, most of the people that will read this are having a good laugh right now, but the vast majority of people on the road could learn a lot from these twelve simple rules.
Postscript: While writing this, I got a phone call from work. My training class has been let go due to budget cuts. Classy way to let us know. Anyone know anyone that is hiring???
