Friendship

Valder's Musings, Rambling as they may be, on Friendship.



This is a letter I wrote out to my friends a few years back (2004), originally posted on Myspace, and I thought it should be posted here.
A short preface.
Myspace and Facebook are places for friends, and, while I HAVE made some friends there, there are also a lot of....fake, shall we say?, people on there as well.
If you ARE one of the latter, feel free NOT to respond to this.

All of you on my friends list.. you're on it for a reason, so this applies to you as well.

Letter is as follows:

Gang.... All of you on this list know me, to some degree or another. Most of you know me as a wildly energetic, fairly spontaneous, extremely goofy, highly creative, pretty thoughtful, person, and some of you have even described me as intelligent.
YOUR checks are in the mail.
A few of you know the Bri that can get highly moody, introspective, and even suicidally depressive.
What many of you probably don't realize (and there ARE obvious exceptions) is that beneath it all, I'm actually a fairly serious person, and spend a lot of time thinking over issues.
Recent events over the past couple of years have had me turning one subject over and over in my mind.
Friendship. (Yes, I was getting there, hence the name of the letter)
Once, I thought I knew all there was to know about friendship, and what it means to have or be friends.
I didn't, and I still don't.
I know that I HAVE some very special people in my life I feel privileged to CALL friends, and a few more that I'm sure actually ARE friends of mine.
I have also been forced to realize that a lot of people I thought were my friends were not.
Maybe a few of the people on this list are like that.
I'm reasonably sure about the majority of you, as I've known most of you, on average, between 8-12 years.



Some of you I've known over 20 years, and a few of you I've only known six months, but I feel like every one of you receiving this either are, or have the ability to be, my friends in real life.
I'm disinterested in developing followers, online devotees, sycophants, or 21st Century pen pals. This isn't a popularity contest for me.  If I add you to my friend's list, it's because I see something in you that makes me want to know you better, and I feel like you might be good to have in my life.
However, I've been wrong before.
I'm not going to name any names, but all of you who've known me since before August of 2002 know the story.

I'm not worried about which of you, if any, will "leave the fold" or "break the brotherhood".
People change.
Our mindsets, attitudes, and priorities change.
Loyalties fade. Life intervenes.
For some people, you will talk to me a for a few more years, maybe only months, and I'll never hear from you again.
And, no, I'm not making bets on WHO.
Others of you I'll still be talking to when we all have great grandchildren.
This I know.
However, that isn't the point of this, or, at least, not the major thrust.

I have good friends, great friends, much better friends than I deserve, and all of you have made me a better person.



But what, really, is friendship?
Is it Love?
Certainly.
Is it Loyalty?
Undeniably.
Is it familiarity?
Yes.
Is it comforting and supporting?
Indeed. (Had to, Jye)
Is it the shared experiences?
Definitely.
Is it the ability to complete another's thoughts?
Well....partly.
Is it not talking, yet still getting a meaning across?
Yup.
Is it a lack of uncomfortable silence?
Surely.
Is it growing old together?
Not always.
Is it being able to be a kid with one another all over again?
In many cases.
Is it the point of human existence?
A case COULD be made.
Is it REAL?
Real is a murky subject with too many definitions. Instead let us ask, is it tactile?
No.




What IS friendship?
Well, for some people, maybe even some of you on this list, friendship is simply the daily sharing of ideas and everyday experiences, while yet managing to NOT make a serious connection.
Some people call this friendship.
To me, this is Making An Acquaintance. And, therefore, that's not what friendship is to me.
I don't even know if I can put my definition of friendship into words, but I'm going to do my best anyway.
Friendship is baring your heart and soul to another human being, through time, and hoping they don't decide to stomp it to the dirt or throw it back in your face.
Friendship is the ability to look someone in the eye and tell them you love them, while in the same breath letting them know that you think something they are doing, or about to do, is a profound mistake.
Friendship is ignoring classifications, as it is NOT about race, gender, politics, or religion. I don't know MOST of your politics or religions, and couldn't care less about them. Whether you're a Republican, Satanist, Liberal, Jedi, Sith, Catholic, Democrat, Browncoat, Lutheran, Conservative, or Wiccan amounts to a hill of beans.
That stuff doesn't factor into why I do or don't like a person.
Same thing goes for the color of your skin or the positioning of your plumbing.
Unlike what the media seem to tell us, these things don't really effect the person you are. At least not directly.
Now, before anyone starts yelling and kicking, you know what I'm getting at. Yes, because of the color of your skin or your gender you will have encountered (and alas, still do) experiences different than that of my own growing up....but that's part of what makes us get along. More on that later.....mebbe. I don’t want to make a promise, then forget the thread I was dangling from ;-)
Friendship is standing by one another when the shit hits the fan, NOT just when times are good.
Friendship is a vital link on some deeper level than purely mental or emotional, that allows you to meet up with someone again after ten years apart and be able to pick up right where you left off, like not a day has passed.
Friendship is getting one another, understanding, if not the person, where the person is heading with any idea or statement, even if you don't always understand the idea itself.
Friendship is loving the person you know....not the memory of the person they once were. Even, and especially when, that person thinks they are unworthy of that love.
Friendship is NOT just the good times. It transcends the good and the bad. Neither is it proximity, or shared interests. Some of you live within sixty miles of me, others are five thousand miles away. But that seems not to affect our friendships one bit. Some of you love many of the same things that I do, while others have nary an overlapping interest. NONE of you share ALL of my interests (though all of you combined do and more), nor I all of yours. This is a GOOD thing, because this way we are always learning about one another this way. How boring would life be if we all agreed on every subject, all liked the same things, all thought the same ways? That's like a bad sci-fi horror movie, just waiting to happen.



Friendship is the stuff of song, the stuff of legend. "The Three Musketeers", "Star Wars", and the Arthurian Legends, to name a few, are all about friendships, among other things. And the number of songs written about friendships, well, there are some examples at the end of this letter.
So, friendship is many things, but mainly it's Chemistry.
No, not as in the science class, but...well...it's like a puzzle.
When the pieces fit, you can see the picture. When friendship clicks, the world is sharper. Nearly anybody can make me laugh, (except, strangely, people that they call comedians. That Will Ferrell is just....annoying) and you guys do it better than anyone, but friends have the ability to make you cry, as well.
For some of us, only friends, family, and spouses have that ability.

But this is for sure.
Only my friends have ever seen me cry, and even then, only a few of you.
I asked earlier if friendship is love.
Certainly, one could argue that it is the PUREST form of love, with no ulterior motives, but it's more than love.
The kind of love spoken about in movies and romance novels rarely seems to surface, and for those who have found it....grab it and never let go.
Friendship is, basically, the closest we people get to unconditional love.

Friendships, REAL friendships, outlast a lot of relationships people commonly refer to as love.



For instance, you break up with a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse, who is there to help you pick up the pieces?
Has it happened to you more than once?
Is it a familiar cast of faces that always seem to lend their shoulders?
They are most likely your friends and family.
In many ways, your friends ARE your family, and sometimes closer.
Someone once said "Your friends are the Family you choose."
I know that I, for one, have been much closer to my friends than my family until quite recently.
I still tell my friends things I wouldn’t think of telling my family.
Friendship is also inspiration.
Friends are those people who, whether intentional or not, help us to rise above our problems, to better ourselves. They never fully give up on us, no matter how much we kick, scream, and generally try to alienate them along the way.
Friendship, in my belief, is truly the difference between LIVING and existing.
Sounds like a load of 2am bullshit, right? Consider this...I wrote this at 3pm, and am only TYPING it now.
Besides, some people think I do my best work at night ;-).
Back to the prior statement.
Bullshit, right?
Think about it. If you never learned the human interaction skills necessary to make friends, you probably will never be able to function in interpersonal settings, you'll more than likely never have a stable relationship, never get married, never have children.
If you don't leave behind some kind of impression, you won't have existed.
On that note, friends will die, but the friendship itself lives on.
I'd heard the words, but never understood their meaning until, well, I'm not going too deep into that one, for the obvious reasons. (Yeah, it still hurts)
I'll put it this way: Just because friends are gone doesn't mean they left us. I know I still think about my lost friends every day, just as I do the rest of you.
I'm sure, by now, you're asking what the point of this letter is.
Some of you, who know and understand my past, are probably starting to get scared, thinking bad news is on the way.
Breathe deep and rest easy, it's not as bad as all that.
I'm just "Thinking out loud", so to speak.
I've been doing a lot more of that lately, since I lost two very close friends, and came within a whisper of losing my own life, all within the last two years.
That kind of sequence of events will make you sit up and take notice.
That being said, I just wanted all of you to know that I love you, you ARE in my thoughts EVERY day, and i wanted you to know how much you actually mean to me.
Truly, if you're reading this, you've likely made a profound impact on my life, and I just wanted to let you know that.
I also want to apologize.
I know, for a while back there, I was insufferable.....and no, I don't mean in the letter.
You know when I meant, if you don't...ask Perry.

I also know I don't keep in touch nearly as much as I should.
I'm sorry for that, as well.
I know you all know that I love you and miss you all, I value your influences in my life, and I hope all of you realize that I'm not just mouthing words here.
I never hurts to say it again.



I love you. I wish we could see each other more often. I wish we all lived closer. I wish you all could see my thoughts and realize how much you all mean to me, singly and collectively.

I'm gonna shut up now, but I just wanted to let everyone know you've been on my mind and that I truly do, love you.
Always.
Bri




Selected songs or song excerpts referenced above. (And, yes, I'm quoting from memory) the first is a perennial favorite of mine, the last...well, you read it and tell ME why you think I like it so much.
Bon Jovi's "Never Say Goodbye"
"As I sit in this smoky room, the night about to end....I pass my time with strangers, but this bottle's my only friend. Remember when we used to park out, on the streets, out in the dark? Remember how we used to talk, about busting out, we'd break their hearts? Together, Forever. Never say goodbye, you and me, and my old friends, hoping it would never end."

the whole of Tim McGraw's "My Old Friend"
"My old friend, I recall....the times we had, they're hanging on my wall. I wouldn't trade, them for gold, 'cause they laugh and they cry me, and somehow sanctify me, and they're woven through the stories I have told....and tell again. My old friend, I apologize, for the years that have passed, since the last time you and I dusted off, those memories. But the running and the races, the people and the places, there was always somewhere else I had to be, and time gets thin...my old friend. Don't know why. My old friend, this song's for you, 'cause a few simple verses was the least that I do, to tell the world, that you were here. "Cause the love and the laughter, will live on long after, the sadness and the tears. We'll meet again, my old friend. Goodbye, goodbye. My old Friend. Goodbye."


On Losing Close Friends
When you've lost one of your closest friends, eight years is forever. And yet....I remember the phone call and subsequent events like it were yesterday.
On March 19, 2003, one of my closest friends, Scott Michael Kimsey, a USMC Sgt passed away. (He was only 26)
This weekend marks the eighth anniversary of his passing.
The funeral was six days later, and I flew back to Nebraska (yay) where we (my surviving friends and I) all shared our grief.
The internment was the hard part, or at least that was what I thought then.
It wasn't.
The hard part is every time I do or hear something I know Scottie would have liked.
I usually make it all the way through dialing his old phone number before I remember.
Scott was one of those guys, like me and many of my other friends, who take joy in many of the everyday things in life, had a great sense of humor, and made every occasion fun.
So I salute you, Scottie, and know you're watching all of us and smiling.

I can't believe it's ONLY been eight years since I last saw that smile, or heard you laugh.

I can't believe it's been eight years ALREADY since your daughters lost their daddy and Sam has been having to go it alone.

I love you, brother.
You are Always in my thoughts.
We'll party together again some day.